Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.... (aka former "dream"-jobs revisited)

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

When I was a child of 5 I wanted to become a professor, because I figured those people knew everything. Of course I didn't have a clue what a professor actually did and that there was more than one kind, but to me that didn't matter at all. Alternatively I wanted to become a binman, or binwoman in that case, because they were allowed to stand outside on a truck while it was driving and they only had to work once a week... well, at least I thought so.
Next thing I remember is a tramway ride to school when I was in 5th grade. A boy from our neighbourhood, who was in 8th grade by then, asked me what I wanted to do after finishing school, and I answered that I wanted to be a manager. Of course I had no clue what a manager did, hence I was kinda confused when he asked me what I intended to manage. School itself didn't help finding the right job for me either. After the final exams I considered to work in advertising or to study marine biology, literature and theater sciences or economics... always had a soft spot for renaissance. Unable to make a choice, I decided to become an Industriekauffrau, because that would only take 2 years of apprenticeship and would leave all doors open.

I've been working as an Industriekauffrau ever since, even though I had second thoughts more than once, 'cause it never felt right. Back in 2002 I wanted to make a change and had serious thought about studying architecture, but it was too much hassle, so I didn't apply. After that I started to fill out applications for the Cooking Institute of America, but I never sent them. While staying in Shanghai, I applied at the University of Tübingen to study Media Science and Techniques, even flew to Germany for an interview. I got accepted but I didn't go for it.

For being unable to make an actual change I got what I deserved: I ended up in a boring job with a boss I hate (that's mutual btw) and colleagues I despise. That was the straw that broke the camel's back! I've had it with pretending that I cared about what I was doing! And this time I did it: I bit the bullet and made a change! Starting August 1st I'll become a Commercial Construction Site Manager somewhere in the world. Of course my vision of the future never included a yellow helmet and a jumpsuit, but if that's what it takes, I dig it.

Looking back, my former dream jobs have not much in common, but one thing is identical: I always wanted to be exceptionally good! The mere thought of being a star architect, a chef with Michelin stars, an ad writer with world reputation or a famous script writer used to make my eyes glow. The premise to achieve the exceptional is to love what you do, to develop a passion for it. Otherwise you'll fail. Simple as that. I lacked passion for 6 years, but now the glow in my eyes is back! I get the chance I've been longing for ever since, the chance to make a change, to become exceptionally good after all. Somehow I managed to stop myself from moving on for 6 years by going with the flow, too lazy, too afraid of giving up something I never really cared about. I have no idea why, but maybe I was waiting for the right opportunity. And here it is! This time there is no 'maybe', no turning back. For the first time in my life I didn't simply go with the flow but made a decision. I'm still afraid. Afraid that I might fail, anxiety that I will suck, that I might be entering a one way street from the wrong side with a giant truck only waiting to run me over. But I'm ready to bear the consequences. The feeling that I have right now, that excitement, the glow in my eyes, the tickling in my belly and the urge to go out there and kick ass, the feeling I was craving for ever so long, outweighs the risk by far.

I start to realize that you don't actually choose what you become. You become something and then it's up to you to find the right job that matches your abilities and potential. Until you find this, you'll keep on searching because something will feel wrong. You can tell by feeling like a pretender, weaseling your way through, afraid that someone might blow your cover that you keep up ever so attentive, never feeling the desire to exceed anybody's expectations. If you feel like this, it's time to move on!
There is a saying that there is nothing you regret more than a chance that you didn't take... and it's true. However things will develop, at least I'll never have to look back and ask myself "What if...?" ...and that feels daaaaaamn good!